13. Stylin'

(Previously sent to friends as a “Happy Friday” email on 3/30/12.)

I’d like to make a correction to an earlier Happy Friday where I mentioned something about finding a “perfect blouse” for Mary, my wife.  An anonymous reader responded to this with: “Who uses the term ‘blouse’ anymore??!! I believe the current term is ‘top.’  Idiot.”  Actually, “idiot” was just implied. First of all, I appreciate your constructive criticism, Ms. Mindy J. Hopkins at 12319 W. 24^th, Spokane, WA 97218, especially as it relates to enhancing my communication skills with non-guys.  You see, I thought I’d made real progress years ago when I transitioned from using the term “girl’s shirt” to “blouse.”  It was about the same time I actually used the term “top,” apparently before it became official.  The response was less than optimal though when I said, “Hey, nice top!” and was nearly slapped.  Fortunately, I’d become conditioned to maintaining at least an arm’s-length from any woman with whom I was attempting casual conversation. I may have complicated the communication, however, by including the term “hubba hubba” or “oolala” -- as a compliment -- during this at-risk-male period of my life.  Somehow, I survived unscathed … except for the well-adjusted part. So, what I’m saying here is: I’ve checked it out, guys, and it’s probably okay now to go ahead and use the term “top” without wincing like a fast ball was headed straight for your face.  

Keep in mind that I may not be the best person for advice about style, but I’m always prepared with a defensive response if the topic arises. For example, when a wardrobe-conscious person says something to me like, “So, do you like that frumpy cardigan with elbow patches better than what’s in style?” I simply reply, “Yes, I call it ‘traditional.’”  Or, maybe I’ll say, “Yes, it’s a classic look … you know, ‘retro.’  They’re all the rage in Europe … well, RURAL Europe … and parts of Minnesota.  Don’t you read Q.G.? … uh, I mean “D.Q.” … yeah, don’t you read D.Q.?”  “Mmmm, I thought not.”

I can tell you there have been A LOT of changes in style since my day.  For example, basketball outfits.  Players used to wear really short shorts … the kind that looked pretty much like Jockey briefs from a distance … or Fruit of the Looms to some of you.  Plus, they’d wear these airy sleeveless jerseys … the kind that would come in handy in future years when you start filling them out with a gut while sitting in front of the TV, watching sports, and thinking of your glory days.  They could also double as napkins, which was important so you wouldn’t have to get up quite as often … since no one stuck around the house to wait on you with that fetching new look you’d … “evolved.” 

And, what’s with the uniforms basketball players are wearing nowadays?  They’re like these long silky “shorts” that really aren’t.  I mean, if they went to Catholic school when I was growing up, these baggy numbers would have passed the skirt-length test if the nuns made you kneel on the floor. In fact, they kind of look like the old culottes that young women used to wear that looked like a skirt but were actually pants that hung like a skirt … sorta like that.  And underneath, these big players appear to be wearing what looks like Spanx … although I, for one, have trouble discerning the slimming effect.  Maybe it just gives them something to talk about during half-time. Seems odd in this day and age that young guys have become so much more modest than their AARP counterparts were in their day.  Still, it’s probably a good idea not to yell “Bunch of SISSIES!” when attending games … unless you can quickly blame it on someone who isn’t paying attention because they’re reliving their glory days in their heads. 

Let’s bird walk into international style and I’ll give you a few more tips. We traveled to France a couple of years ago and ended the trip in Nice on the French Riviera.  I’ve been looking forward to this all my life because of the … well, topless beaches.  You know, from an historical point of view, of course … different cultuuures … and all very natural and healthy.  But let me warn the guys in the audience: don’t waste good money on a pair of mirrored aviator sunglasses since toplessness is “passe’” now.  Apparently has been for quite some time, but nobody bothered to mention it to me, thankyouverymuch.  And I found that the few women who did go topless were generally about my age or older … perhaps for a “traditional” or “classic/retro” look. Yeah. But the really disappointing part was: Guys-Wearing-Speedos.  VERY popular on the Riviera these days, regardless of age.  Ugh…. So, if you’re going to Nice and searching for something exciting to look at, you might want to consider one of their fine Renaissance museums with marble statues.

 

And finally, I’m going to go out on a limb here and offer you guys a final tidbit of advice.  If you happen to receive an email from Ms. Mindy J. Hopkins saying, “Who uses the term “skirt” or “pants” anymore??!!  I believe the current term is ‘bottom.’” Don’t fall for it!  Next thing you know, you’ll be telling somebody at work, “Hey, nice bottom!”  Call me old fashioned, but I just have a BAAAD feeling about this one.

Happy to help, guys.

L. Vuitton Haymond