4. Tour de Park

(Previously sent to friends as a “Happy Friday” email on 10/21/11.)

Retirement has finally given me time to exercise on most days, just like I used to … intend. I may have played almost every day as a kid, but that was for fun and homework avoidance. Actually, I do enjoy exercising, except for the getting out of breath part … and the burning muscles, followed by soreness, plus the sweating … which together, I think we can all agree is a questionable trade-off for just staying healthy.

“Cycling” seems to be trendy these days, which is why I won’t have any part of it. I don’t dig groovy fads. Instead, I go “bike riding.” We live near Riverside State Park that has lots of trails. I have an old bike that I’ve customized into a rat rod. It started out as a Murray Missile more than 50 years ago and was sold exclusively at Montgomery Ward. Obviously, it’s an upscale machine. 

Rat Rod

For starters, I bolted a classic mascot to the handlebars to add style and a touch of historic elegance … the manly type. I named him “Vic.”

Victor H.

To ensure “complete” safety, I sprang for the Ultimate Safety Option:

Just ring for divine safety.

 Then, there’s the three-speed hub … and state-of-the-art power brakes.

After the smoke cleared.

 Finally, I licensed this baby so it’s street legal. 

Licensed for street cred.

To ride alone safely in nature requires an instinctive sense for potential dangers. Twice, I’ve seen a lone coyote scurry away in the distance. Sure, they’re smaller than you’d expect, but they’ve been known to attack field mice and other rodents … without provocation. That’s why I carry a cell phone with speed dial directly to the Park Ranger’s office. Plus, I’m a good screamer and quick to run away ever since my high school pantsing days. But, my first preference for self-defense is to INTIMIDATE. This is where Vic comes in handy. On any given day, I'll put some kind of prey in his mouth ... like a dangerous king cobra. 

Deadly fangs are no match for chrome-plated brass hide.

And, to keep dangerous animals from becoming suspicious of my ploy, I’ll switch to a raptor ... 

Jurassic Park ... bring it on.

cowboy, or dingo … or perhaps a small likeness of a member of congress if I’m not being picky. And when I’m in a sensible mood, I can always make him into Diplomatic Vic:

Diplomatic Vic

 This arsenal of victims makes up the bulk of the survival kit that fills my pockets. They can also serve as entertainment when I stop for a break and want to throw some rocks at targets. As you can see, I’m keeping my mind fully engaged in retirement. 

And, there’s another challenging factor that confronts you when riding the technical and risky “Tour de Park.” It’s not so much the sweating that interferes with intense focus or the predatory wild animals or the possibility of catastrophic mechanical failure that worries me. It’s not even a skinned knee that really stings bad and will get little sympathy at home. No, the real risk factor for me is ... UNBRIDLED SPEED.

Speedo

Disregards,

Lance "Speed-o-light" Haymond