1. Martha Stewart-like Living

I’m at home quite a bit these days since retiring and find myself becoming increasingly domesticated.  One of the things I do with my idle mind is to write things that entertain me and hopefully others.  I’ve sent them out as Happy Friday email attachments each week since September.  I just switched over to this blog and am having a contest to determine the best name for it.  It was open for suggestions from readers, and I added some of my own to the list.  The winner of those sent in will be awarded an extraordinary prize that I’ll address below.

 

The names in competition include:

•          Access Denied
• ·        An Unoccupied Mind
•          Bounced Reality Check
• ·        Clear and Present Danger
• ·        Doesn’t Meet Standard
•          Duck and Cover
• ·        Failed Reality Check
• ·        Fatal Distraction
• ·        Filling the Pool (from life guard video)
• ·        Incidents of INCREDIBLE Importance
• ·        Incorrigible
• ·        Irreconcilably Different
• ·        Lolly-Gaggin’ with Lou
• ·        Lou and Logic
• ·        Lou's Loquacious Lines
• ·        Missed Medication
• ·        Mumblings to Myself
•          Old, But Immature
• ·        Parched Thoughts
• ·        Released of His Own Accord
• ·        Retired From Reality
•          The BIG News
• ·        Under the Influence
• ·        Unsafe at Any Speed
•          Warped Logic

 
Now, here’s where you come in as an Official Blog Reader.  You can vote for your three favorite names by clicking in the "About Me" area on the right; on that page, click “Email” to send your choice to me by Tuesday, June 18 at 9:20 p.m., just before my bedtime … unless I napped up earlier in the day.  This is of tremendous importance, of course, so please give it the same consideration you’d have when voting for a president or selecting a cable provider.

The winner of the contest will receive a coveted SpamAnimal, as seen in several local elementary schools where I’ve worked.  They are painstakingly sculpted from raw Spam.  As with any competition, most of you will be losers. And, since I don’t want a bunch of whiners moping around deleting my new site from their computers before giving it a fair shot, I’m going to make everyone a winner, including you.  So, with Martha Stewart-like flare, I’ll walk you through the process of making your very own SpamAnimal.

To begin, Spam is a meat-like product that apparently is edible by people who have lost their sense of taste and of smell, probably as a result of a nuclear accident or by watching too much reality TV.  Both have a damaging cumulative effect based on dosage and exposure duration. For example, one season of Jersey Shore would be equivalent to six months sunning yourself inside Reactor 2 at Chernobyl.  Spam and Kobe beef would taste about the same to you.

Okay, first, lay out the common kitchen utensils pictured below (#1). You have to work quickly, so you should have them within easy reach.  Remember to Glove-Up.  No one really knows the actual contents of the product.  Sure, there’s a listing on the side, but that certainly doesn’t explain the "aroma."  Artisans like me in this specialty field understand that the smell of Spam is best described as an “odor” rather than a “scent,” which we’d normally associate with fresh flowers, a summer rain, and Old Spice aftershave. So remember to use extreme caution when working with a substance like this that releases potentially dangerous fumes.  Think: Mr. White and Jesse on Breaking Bad.

                                              #1 Culinary design tools
 

Next, gather the secret ingredients (#2):

·       1 can Original Spam - frozen (You’ll probably want to buy several since they’re 
         currently selling their 75^th Anniversary Collectors’ Edition)

·       2 tbsp dried chives

·       2 whole cloves

·       9 – 15 raisins

·       Some Pam

·       1 family heirloom silver platter

                                                #2 Secret ingredients

Be sure your mass of Spam is frozen (#3). 

                                               #3 Diamond in the rough

 

Preparation: Make the basic rough cuts to give it form (#4). 

                                                          #4 Rough cut

 

The next picture (#5) illustrates the point at which the material is quickly changing from a solid into a mooshier consistency, as we technically call it in the trade. (A serrated bread knife and small paring knife are the actual instruments of choice.) The “natural” odor is becoming QUITE apparent by now, thus explaining the rational for freezing it at the outset.  This would be a good time to initiate the Safety Procedure of ingesting at least one straight shot of Cuervo for its olfactory-suppression properties.

                                                #5 Devil is in the details

 

Lightly spray platter with Pam and add chives that will now stick.  Strategically place your creation on the platter.  For effect, add 9 to 15 raisins (more if you have certain personality disorders).   Voilà, a perfect presentation of the SpamAnimal!  Let’s name him "Alex" (#6).

                                                          #6 Voilà! Alex

 

Here, Alex is quickly making new kitchen friends (#7).  As you can see, SpamAnimals are quite outgoing and gregarious, although they don’t seem to be aware that they’ve come into the world … well, naked. Now, you might consider helping correct this by leaving it out at room temp.  Perhaps with a bit of aging, it will grow some mold and be transformed into a snappy member of the Chia Pet family. 

                                       #7 Alex with new kitchen friends

 

Of course, you’d probably have to move out of your place and have it fumigated … or else buy a bunch of those cardboard air fresheners for cars, with strings attached to hang all over the house.  I like the ones with the Rolling Stones logo.  However, some people might have reservations about how these would affect the décor and general ambiance of a home, particularly if you’re planning to have company over. Rather than experiment with Alex, I’ve decided to keep him fresh in our freezer until he’s awarded to the winner of the blog-naming contest.

So, on behalf of Alex, I’d sincerely appreciate your help with this as he would really like to get out of the freezer on a work release.  As with most culinary masterpieces, he'd prefer to be in the limelight rather than cold storage.  Thanks for voting for your top three!

Bon Appetite,

L. Haymond

Iron Stomach Chef