7. Occupy the Front Porch

(Previously sent to friends as a “Happy Friday” email on 11/18/11.)

 After considerable thought, I’m stepping forward to announce that I’m the Unofficial Leader of the Occupy Somewhere Movement.  It started out innocently enough.  I wanted to be part of something cool, disruptive, and best of all: unconditionally ANNOYING!  Wall Street seemed where it was happening, but I had reservations about the setting.  First of all, if I’m going to camp out, I prefer to lie awake all night on dirt rather than concrete or dog-walking grass.  And, I’m not big on chanting either. I tend to be an early fader. I figure after you’ve repeated something two or three times, it’s just filler from then on; nobody’s really listening anymore.  As for the drummers … c’mon, keep a steady beat. Haven’t you noticed all the eye-rolling? Plus, I don’t like being under the constant scrutiny of cameras, reporters, and police watching every move you make.  In the old days, we’d have thought of this as Big Brother and would have protested for privacy rights. But, apparently, the Occupy folks like media attention.  Personally, if I’m going to pick my nose or scratch, I don’t want an audience. And, if I want to see that kind of stuff, I can go watch the primates at a zoo … or simply tune in professional baseball on TV.

So, instead of traveling, I began my part of the movement with an Occupy the Front Porch at home.  I’m at my post on most days when the sun is out and I have a strong urge for complacency.  I figure now is the time for me to bring people together with a Vision Thing.  As their leader, I need to help them find a common message to replace such random talking points as: “They get ShowTime, and I don’t,” “They are just so, like, SNOOTY,” and “They drive BMWs, and I’m stuck with this oxidized Volvo wagon.”  Then, of course, there's the pervasive: “NO FAAAIR!” And, we’re actually much like the Tea Partiers, as I see it.  Sure, there’s a difference in style between the groups (“You’re a bunch of greedy, selfish … meanies” ... versus “I’M CARRYING A CONCEALED WEAPON, AND I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!”).  That said, both are clearly similar as fervent complainers who sadly lack viable solutions that fit with R-E-A-L-I-T-Y.  

  

Optional Commentary Reading: We have a huge dilemma in our country with a growing disparity between the haves and have-nots and a diminishing middle class.  And, it’s getting much worse because of a number of factors besides Wall Street.  The bigger problem, in my opinion, is today’s political system with intransigent thinking, a paralysis in collaborative decision-making for the common good, and the ability to buy influence if you have the financial resources. The Occupying should be done in Washington D.C. with our nation’s leaders and those who can pull their strings from K Street: the lobbyists, special interest groups, and think tanks.  It’s our elected officials who determine policies that allow these levels of unconscionable disparities among citizens unlike that of any other developed country. The fault lies with both parties, each trying to stay in office and wield majority power.  I wish there were a better forum for the subdued majority of Americans with common sense.  They need to find empowerment that promotes necessary policy changes in the rational middle ground between the political extremes that tend to dominate.  “Throwing the bums out” every two years just isn’t working.  Okay, I’m better now!  I’ll get off my soapbox and back to something lighter.

So anyway, here’s my leadership plan: Occupy Restrooms.  We need to extend our current plan with Occupiers dressing up in suits to “blend in” with Wall Streeters (and bother them by wearing narrow lapels purchased off-the-rack).  Then, we just slip into their restrooms, lock the doors, and let them come to us.  Easy.  For example:

10:00 a.m. Executive Restroom

CEO: Hey, what’s taking so long?  Who’s in there?

Protester: Larry

CEO: Larry WHO?

Protester: Larry, the Protester.  Who are you?

CEO:  I’m GARY THOMPSON, the CEO of this company, and you need to get the h*ll out of there, NOW, or I’ll call the authorities!!!

Protester: Listen, Gar, I’m noticing a little “attitude” in your tone, and we don’t want a big scene here with reporters and all.  How would it look on evening news having me dragged out looking harmless and yelling “I was only doing a #1 … and I washed my hands.  I AM A HUMAN BEIIING!!!”  Why don’t you give that some thought, and come back when you can be a bit more pleasant. Oh, and next time you feel the need to use an “h-word,” let’s go with “heck, please.” Thanks.

10:14 a.m. Executive Restroom

CEO: Listen, buddy, I really need to use the restroom, okay?  I’m asking nicely … and I think I might be coming down with the stomach flu.

Protester: First of all, I didn’t hear the word, “please.”  And, I can appreciate your discomfort, Gar, but I’m right in the middle of reading your Executive Jet magazine.  They are SO cool. Maybe you can take me up for a ride sometime.  Anyway, come back when you’re ready to hear my “Eight-Step Plan for Overcoming Greed.” Then I’ll give you a quiz at the end to make sure you were listening.

10:23 a.m. Executive Restroom

CEO: Okay, I am DONE with you, Larry!  If you’re not out of there in 30 seconds, I will PERSONALLY have you dragged out in handcuffs, with or without the cameras rolling.  GOT IT???

Protester: No, Gar, YOU listen! I’m armed with four rolls of Charmin Triple-Ply Quilted and a soap dispenser topped off with extra sudsy.  The nearest unOccupied restroom is at a K-Mart in New Jersey.  Now, you need to agree to MY terms for wealth sharing … OR THE TOILET GETS IT!!!

11:05 a.m.  National Headlines:

WALL STREET SHUTS DOWN FOR UNSPECIFIED REASONS

Happy Friday,

L. Haymond

Affordable Political Commentary

         

Generosity begins in the heart … and sometimes lower.  ~ Unknown